The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Things I'd like my coworkers to know:
1. If you come any closer, I'm go to spray Windex in your eyes.
2. You've mistaken my "Mmm-hmm" for genuine interest in your conversation.
3. Get off my fucking back. Just cause you fucked up doesn't mean I have to do your work now.
4. Lunch is one hour. I don't care how hot your midday floozy is. Don't relieve me at ten minutes past and ask me to get in five minutes early.
5. It really should not affect you how I greet you. Does it always have to be personal?
6. I GOT it. After a year of doing the same menial tasks, I think I figured out a pattern. Stop wasting Post-its for your chicken scratch notes.
7. My outside life is my business. You don't know me because that's the way I chose it to be. Relax and go home to your kitty.
8. My rent just went up. I want more digits in my paycheck.
9. If you move one more thing on my desk (and please remember that even if I hate my desk, it's still mine until I pack my things and never return) I'm going to superglue everything down and blame it on a prankster.
10. It's 10 minutes. I don't take breaks so I think it's a little Nazi to breathe down my neck about my leaving early a few times.
11. When you start repeating yourself and I start typing, facing away from you, sure I'm still listening. After all, those notes I took the first time you spoke to me were probably inaccurate.
12. A fucking spider bit me on my palm last night, I am in no mood to put up with your bull-fucking-shit.
13. Do you ever think about closing the office early when you know NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER 4?!
14. The test results came back. It turns out I'm not a robot. They told me I have to keep eating, drinking, speaking, and having independent thoughts for my own health.
15. A 401K is not the same as a pay raise.
16. If you are a male coworker and we are both single, and I have not given you a green signal, then the flirtiest you're allowed to get is "How was your weekend?" No followup.
17. If you are a female coworker, put down the damn claws. Give me the equal disinterest and apathy I've been kind enough to give you, please. And yes, I am taking a second slice of cake.
18. I really really enjoy your opinions on my personal details. But next time work on your Fran Drescher. I think it needs a wee bit more nasal whine.
19. I loathe you.
20. Please die.
2:59 PM
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