The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I don't know why (okay, that's a lie. I do know, but i ain't telling no one, cause saying it out loud makes it ridiculous) but I'm terrified. I suppose it's that time of year, when I get paranoid, manic-depressive, and physically traumatized from whatever fears I can't verbalize.
Something small sets it off and I can't shake loose the feeling of falling down a giant rabbit hole of terror, loss, and unavoidable insignificance.
I'm sitting here at the office, ignoring the fact that I promised myself to finish the sewing for tonight. I'm grating on myself, if not others, with what is ultimately nothing to harp about. I stumble across a piece of information that is miniscule in nature, and i begin to panic and obsessively analyze. I'm being petty, selfish, and mean. I'll be back to being fine in a couple of days, maybe a couple of hours (that shows growth, in my opinion.) But right now, I'm having trouble steady my heart rate and focusing.
How "okay" am I if it seems like I'm only stable until my next attack of insecurity and doubt?
Why do i think joy is a push and pull, where the more people around me generate it, the less I feel for my own situation? It's ugly and I hate it.
Black tar heart buried in nuclear slime fished out with a whale harpoon, dripping onto a icy, steel floor. That's what i'm seeing. I would drive down to Reno and shoot a man just to see him bleed right about now.
11:55 AM
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