The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
I'm getting a little personal today. No outrageous jokes and shit.
My mouth is killing me. No, Courtney, it's not herpes, as you so gently remarked. But on top of my toothaches (finally soothing down), I tore open sores on my gums, and then the other night, bit down on my tongue hard enough to rip off a chunk. I was singing in the car with my buddies, and my silence gasp of pain and subsequent swirl of delerious pain was inaudible. I couldn't drink grapefruit juice without my eyes flooding.
One of my closest friends is having a crisis. I can't help but be reminded of my own past when he is struggling with the kind of shit that comes with being open and receptive to life's emotions. Reason #412 of why I convinced myself life handed me the world's largest lemon- so I could teach others how to make lemonade. Crippling insanity and misery led the way to my current acceptance and wisdom of the situation, and I can pass it on with a certain amount of confidence that I am, indeed, helping. It's as though I learned how to ride a bike in the past, and while I scraped up both knees, received stitches on my scalp, and still have nightmares about the screaming parent who pushed me into the street on two wobbly wheels, I can now hold the seat of my friend who wants to learn to cut dirt on his/her own Huffy. I only hope my friend can be ready to ride off safely and happily when it's time to let go.
Labor Day weekend. YOu were a vicious lover. I Carmen'd, Rage'd, shopped, Thai'd, fixed my ailing car, Metro'd, Zoolander'd, Magic'd, dished, cried, fell in love with an 11 year old Puerto Rican dancer from New York, loved my friends even more as they surprised me with ice cream and flowers on a late Friday night, got attacked by an amourous cat, comforted a newly un-woman'd pug baby, hung out with my brother who started middle school this morning (so much cooler than I was at that age, so confident and smooth), bought A Very Long Engagement, Garden State, Closer, and lost enough sleep to despise work again today. Blech. And tonight I head off to a Fox screening, and maaaaaybe an open mike in Studio City. I need sleep.
I have never felt more confident, assured, or optimistic as I do lately. I finally feel more grounded and relaxed. But I am who I am, and there are still many times, where my negative emotions take a ride on me, and I'm reduced to a quivering, shivering mass of fear, regret, guilt, and anxiety. Sometimes, I look at other people and feel inadequate or envious next to what seems like a thrilling and fulfilled life. Or I see a distorted view of myself and I get sick. I rarely even tell anyone I feel upset anymore, because I'm trying to take care of myself. And I feel so much better when I'm able to help someone else feel good. But what if, one of these days, I can't turn "that frown upside down" and I don't know who to turn to? I can't help wishing at times that I could rewind and redo so many aspects of my life. Huffity puff.
I wonder why anyone would read this. It's just a self gratifying entry, long winded, vague, and smug.
3:17 PM
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