The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Friday, March 05, 2004
Isn't it funny how much better you feel once you open up with the right person?
I was always raised to keep it inside, never show your weakness, and pretend, lie, and fake it.
As my dad told me, people will always betray you and you can't trust anyone. So don't ever let them know the truth, or else you're shooting your own foot.
My mom never shows her real feelings. She bottles them up, rather than having to deal with the messy consequences. Why bother, right?
For awhile, I believed them. I was burned myself, before, so what they said made sense. It became easy to hide. I didn't even like myself, so why would anyone else? I created a public persona- a person who was ambiguously cool. It worked and I was doing fine.
Things change. I got tired of playing a role. I wanted to be me and I was frustrated that I couldn't just relax and be real. My friends were confused by my changes and called me on my bullshit. Sometimes, people would even judge this alternate me- and somehow that hurt alot more than if they criticized me.
I guess because I worked so hard to make this perfect person that one blow was enough for me to throw it out completely. The real me can just take it and keep moving on.
Anyway, I don't mean to blab on a PUBLIC journal about such personal things (doubtful that anyone's reading thoroughly, just skimming for witty aphorisms, that, unfortunately, are not to be found today) And it's still difficult for me to shed that public shield, but it's getting there. Patience.
I have a question. How ditzy do I come across? Or even, what is the impression I give? I was expressing my displeasure at people taking me for granted and treating me like an idiot (particularly an ex), and my friend gave me that look "how do I put this gently" and said "well, Grace, you have to admit, you come off a little ditzy." I didn't know what to say. I agree with her, but the face indicated that she was holding back on more. You know how unintelligent people rarely know that they are not smart? Pondering...
10:01 AM
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