The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Thursday, May 08, 2003
How many songs go "I wish I had all the answers"? That's how I feel right now. I wish I knew more than I do. I've always been afraid that I'm not as clever as I think myself. Intelligence is one of the hardest values to measure. There are so many types of smart. I'm not very street smart. I panic easily, I'm not tough-ass, and I didn't acqure any "cool" skills that would make me leader of the pack. I'm doubting how school smart I am. Yea, I came to college. Only to learn that I've got oodles to learn before equaling some of these peers of mine. Doesn't it make you crazy to hear how much other kids your age have accomplished already? I feel like I've wasted so much time. Sadly, I know that I'm wasting it now, but I don't make the necessary moves to change them. Like this summer. I should have found an internship in LA. I always wanted to work at Paramount or some studio. Or, like my mom suggested, take some design classes and relax for once, instead of racking my brain for money. I procrastinated too long. Not that I'm complaining about my prospects, but I didn't give myself enough choices. Or studying abroad. I should have done my research and found a way to go away. Cause I sorely wish I could change locale right now. I'm tired of being me, here, now. (I've said this before, i know.) Everything seems like a heavy stone to bear. Don't get me wrong. When i rationally think about things, I know my life is pretty nice. Compared to lots of unfortunate souls, i've got it made.
But that's talking rational. Something I'm not being lately. Too much pressure is making my system crack. Like my windshield, that for some reason is beyond my power to fix. Or my bills that lie on my carpet floor, unpaid. Or projects I've been meaning to get into, only I can't since I'm too busy trying to make it from day to day, without pissing someone off or forgetting a major event or just finding myself running ragged.
Speaking of, I'm not very common sense smart, either. I don't think before I speak or act. I embarrass myself and I think, hey well, it happens to everyone. So I move on, and lo and behold, I do it again. I reprimand myself, I bite my tongue, I squelch my thoughts, and still I manage to find a way to ruin a good conversation.
What it comes to is this : I can't for the life of me understand why I feel so badly. Nothing all that big has happened, and I hate to bother my friends with my low, insignificant feelings. But there they are. I can't remember the last time someone called me and I was genuinely cheerful in my "HI" My poor mom always hears me snap at her, for no concrete reason other than I know she can't stop loving me even if I've turned into a monster. I feel like I've lost touch with the coolest guy in my life: my brother James. He's growing up really quickly, but I'm not there. My best friend stop asking me "what's wrong?" because she recognizes my tone of voice as soon as I pick up her call but I wouldn't tell her what's wrong. Truth: I don't know. If I did, i'd something about it. Or ask for help.
It's incredibly frustrating to feel yourself losing it, and not being able to pinpoint why or how. I'm being swallowed whole, and I can't stop what I can't acknowledge. I've gotten sad that no one has seen me fall. Then I realized that I wasn't letting them see what was happening. I was angry that I couldn't get myself together. I was afraid that this is a permanent scar/disease. I'm confused now, since I have no idea why I feel the way I do and when things became this murky.
I'm losing hope in becoming someone admirable. I wanted so badly to be someone that others look up to. Why would they when I can't look straight at myself in the mirror? I turn away, frightened cause i don't recognize the zombie i see, or i hate the phony i wish i wasn't.
I can't stand people judging me. The wall i put up is there for a reason. If you feel like you can't get in, maybe I don't want to let you in yet. Or you haven't tried. Don't make me feel guilty, cause I do enough of that on my own. Why people want to push me past my limits is beyond me. I already walk the edge of sanity, there's no need for you to cut me down.
God I need time. MORE MORE MORE time.
2:28 AM
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