The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Monday, March 03, 2003
I only did this to myself. It's my fault and I know it. This is the night before my play is due. 30 min play means 30 to 40 pages of writing. I haven't got a clue, I hate it already, and I feel terribly insecure and vulnerable. I don't think I'll be able to handle the judgement of my fellow classmates. How am I going to be a writer, when it makes me physically ill to share my work? My chest hurts with a stabbing pain, as it does everytime I get stressed out.
I got to say, this February SUCKED. I disappointed my lil bro, the one guy in my life who loves me unconditionally. I can't even think about how he must have felt, when his birthday passed without so much as a present from me. If I did, I'd cry, because I never meant to hurt people I love. How many times can he forgive me before he resents me the way I resent our dad? I did manage to make it for my dad's birthday weekend, but he just acted like I was there to eat their food and get chaffeured around. My mom is starting to act weird, cause I don't get along with her anymore. She used to be my best friend, but now when we're on the phone, she's constantly telling me what I'm doing wrong and I'm desperately trying to hang up.
They're getting me the car (yea, i know. it's been a yo-yo. But I'm going down thursday night so I can sign papers. It seems legit.) So why is it I'm not grateful? Am I such a bad daughter? It just wasn't how i imagined this would be. I know they care about me, and that this is a huge gesture on their part. But I'm afraid of what it means. i can't explain how scary of a burden this car really is. I'm not sure I should have asked for one. Sour grapes, right?
I'm slipping into a deep chasm again. Happens every year, and every year, it seems worse. I know, Courtney, I know. I hear what you're saying and god bless you. I'll be okay. I swear. It's just been a hard day, and I'm not so strong that I fall once in awhile.
11:17 PM
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