The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Sunday, February 02, 2003
("Just remember who said it first"- Doug, The Cutting Edge)
This conversation took place tonight between my friend Alex and I, when we were discussing relationships and the concept of "normal" in dating someone. His philosophical reply to my comment that I was a weird person to date was this:
DJRayJDuFunk (9:50:36 AM): normal would be dinner and a movie, kiss on the second date, high maintenance and slightly possessive, drama because her friends don't quite approve, let a comment about her body image slip and inadvertantly drive her to anorexia, three angry break-ups easily repaired after a month miserably seperate (one caused by cheating when way too drunk at a party), eventually spending all time together at the expense of your friends (which solves the drama), very mushy and cutsie when alone but standoff-ish when in public, fitter happier like a pig in a cage on antibiotics?
DJRayJDuFunk (9:50:54 AM): at least, that's the best I could come up with
geek chiQ 5 (9:51:21 AM): wise words
DJRayJDuFunk (9:51:39 AM): is that your idea of normal?
DJRayJDuFunk (9:51:48 AM): I think I make it too bleak sounding
geek chiQ 5 (9:52:07 AM): no it sounds about right.
And then, later when I wouldn't explain how weird I was, he said this:
DJRayJDuFunk (9:55:09 AM): you are so vague it's frustrating
So I thought of two things. One, I hate normal. It's boring, predictable, and I'm looking for something more extraordinary. If things are weird and unfamiliar, then at least it's better than being stagnant. Two, I don't articulate my problems well. I'm too guarded and I end up pissing people off, cause I don't tell them what my deal is. I used to think that keeping it inside and festering is better than losing control at someone who doesn't deserve it, but that's not true. First, if you didn't fester, you won't blow things up beyond proportion. Second, festering, even over small issues, will eat away at you until you ruin everything by yourself. Whoever is on the other end doesn't even get the chance to repair whatever is bothering you, before you decide to throw it all away to start over with someone else. But that someone else is another cog in the vicious cycle.
I realize that this rant is also vague and frustrating. But it's a slow process of growing and learning and it'll have to do. Besides, having people who care about you and take the time to listen is very therapeutic. I had good friends this weekend. They made me open my eyes to the weirdness that I place upon myself. And I forget to appreciate people for this.
I guess my consuming fear right now is that people get annoyed by me easily. I don't want to play the clown all the time, but I get stuck in that role cause I like entertaining people. Of course, then I realize how tiring I get. I get tired of me, so why wouldn't everyone else? And it's unfair to expect others to know when I'm not in the mood for derogatory jokes, as often as we make them in our generation. I think we take offense when someone makes fun of something you weren't secure about in the first place. There are no connections between my thoughts. They're just spewing from my brain. I don't expect clarity, just less headaches from thinking too much.
Random complaint: I hate it when people assume things cause of my appearance. On Saturday, Eric took me to the Chinese New Year's Faire (that's how they spelled it) and this Caucasian, elderly lady treated me like a fob. Instead of asking me about two chairs near me, she simply pounded the chairs and pointed, like I was fucking deaf-mute. I understand that not everyone there speaks English, but even if I hadn't, I would have been offended by her primitive way of communicating. Ugh. Small minds make small finds.
I'm utterly lost in classes, since last week I took a mental sabbatical. I have a 5 page play to write and no clue how to start. Maybe I should write about boys who take their girls to trash dumps, cause I know that's freaking romantic as hell! No, seriously, I'm swooning just thinking about it.
Songs in my head (probably cause my Winamp is spinning them): Jimmy Eat World "Sweetness", Frou Frou "It's Good to Be In Love", Something Like Silas "I've Come to Worship You", and Sydney Forest "Once in a Blue Moon"
10:25 PM
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