The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Monday, January 20, 2003
My day is never black or white. I have too many complicated emotions to simply feel good or bad about the whole day. Today is weird, since I feel black AND white about the day so far. The morning was humdrum, not much to talk about. Then Grace came over and we worked on the storyboard. I'm getting excited about the project. I get to be a large part of it, and it makes me happy that she trusts me to help her. We're also getting to understand each other better and I'm more at ease with her than before. It felt nice to just hang around and be able to talk.
But the dark side came when I went to visit Tommy and Elijah at the EspressoNet cafe. I hate the look I get from Tommy. It's got disdain and resentment buried in the smiling facade he puts on. I think he smiles just for Grace's sake, and I get hurt when people look at me like that. Elijah, not so much, since he's indifferent about me. But I feel like her friends think of me in the worst light I've ever put myself in. Maybe it's not fair, since my close friends have heard my negative feelings about her. Maybe they see her in the same way Tommy looks at me. But it's wrong. We had our history and we went through pains, but it's OUR friendship and it's not right for others to judge either of us, even if we've shared to them what's going on. In a way, it just makes me realize how unfair I am to people sometimes. My nature is to complain and doubt. I have issues with trusting people, partly cause I don't see why people should trust me. So, to make myself feel better, I justify my actions to my friends with fallacies. I've come to the realization that I'm really immature and selfish about that. I want to see the good in people and learn to think the best of my friends. Relationships with people is hard work, but so is everything else in life. I've been slacking in so many areas of my daily life, that I'm losing perspective.
It may seem to some of my friends that I'm creating a codependent existance with some people. I disagree. It's just that I'm learning to trust people and I might go about things the wrong way to assure myself that I'm needed and wanted. That's my lesson to learn. Just stick with me and give me advice. I want to become a better person, so I can look in the mirror and not be insecure or disappointed about the kind of person I am.
Deep thoughts. Let's clear the melodramatic air with some thoughts on yesterday. I went to see Chicago with Alex. I loved it so much, I was humming the songs all night. I woke up mumbling the words. I got to see a bunch of my old co-workers and it's nice to be remembered. A bit of nostalgia hit me, cause I realized that the Landmark part of my life is over now, but it was significant. There are things I learned there that still affect me now. Every little thing I've done or seen has been a part of the growth process. You just don't realize it at the time.
I also went back to Flood last night with Grace and we had an indepth conversation. Being there calms me. As long as no one puts expectations on me, I'm happy to go. I don't feel that way about church. I don't know how it's different but it is. Flood is more of a reflection, than an interrogation. (Damn, I was gonna stay light and here I am, pontificating again.)
I'm truly behind in my work, so I'm gonna go read. I would usually say I wasted my weekend (a three day one at that!) but I feel like I had enormous fun, so I don't feel guilty, just wishful that I had more time to fit everything in. Who set up the 24 hours in a day? And why do we spend so much time eating and sleeping? Is it just me?
I think Jacob is offering Linda and me some Mexican rice. I love free food. Mmmmm... Come to our Superbowl Sunday potluck get together! Go team!
4:37 PM
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