The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Every high has its low. Every time I've felt elevated this week, the next moment brings me down again. And then up. The vicious cycle is wreaking havoc on me. My example for today is my acting class. I began the day well, with a fun exercise and a decent performance (which is the highest praise I'll give myself about acting). Unfortunately, I foolishly decided I could do no wrong and immediately offered to perform again. The second act was a disaster in my eyes. I had to deal with insecurities I didn't know I had. The exercise was harsh and I was delving into the seventh circle of hell. And theatre people have no qualms about telling you how and to what extent you suck. I have no idea why I'm so sensitive right now. Stupid women hormones. You can't ever predict when they're gonna hit you. And they hit hard.
I can't imagine how terrible I must have been when I was on birth control. As of now, I'm dealing with shame and fear as my irrational emotions. But last year, I was angry and bitter. And on drugs. Wow. How did I ever make friends? My only guess can be people mistook my anger for power. Those fools. Now they're disappointed...
It's strange how I got so good at lying to others and myself. I can't even tell when I'm truthful sometimes. I always say I hate fake people, but I think I'm being fake. I tell lies left and right, for no apparent reason. I don't think I know what I want anymore, but I know that I'm sabotaging all my chances if I don't get my act together. I see my opportunities flying away from me, but I don't know how to get ahold of them.
I want to travel. I need to get away for awhile. If only for a day, to gather my thoughts, and not deal with the asinine average day that fills my time. I'm so restless, I want a change of pace.
This is embarrassing. I just realized that I'm sitting in a section, not the usual computer lab this place is! When did they start using this place as a class?? I'm gonna pretend to be a psych student and run the hell out of here. Wow, I'm getting some dirty looks! Jeez, why didn't they just tell me when I walked in? Perfect, I feel unwanted and uncomfortable. Oh well. I'll be more cheerful tomorrow. I know me. Today's "tragedy" will only mean tomorrow's undescribable joy. Stay tuned.
2:41 PM
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