The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Tuesday, December 10, 2002
(Warning: Longwinded philosophy ahead. Enter at your own risk.)
You know what I hate? Disappointing people. I hate seeing the look in their eyes. The look that says that I've done wrong and they know it. It happens more often than I'd like it to. Is it that I'm fucked up?
Having responsibilities makes me nervous. I'm never sure if I'll live up to the standards... Did I get the job done? Are people pleased with me? Even when people tell me they approve, I don't accept it easily. At heart, I'm insecure. I can fool myself but it's my nature to first distrust any blessings come my way.
Trust is difficult. It's like giving someone a weapon that they may or may not use. And when you're used to being hurt, handing someone the ability to pain you isn't a pleasant option. It involves time, patience, and gut instincts.
It's also strange to see someone struggle with the same demons you once fought. While you don't want to remember your past hurts, it's not fair to hold back. If you can possibly help, why wouldn't you? It's the least you can do from learning the lesson. Maybe you once had some help. Maybe you wish you did. Either way, how can you turn your back when a friend calls your name?
I know I'm far from perfect. (Remember when we first realized this? It seems like a lifetime ago...)
There's a lot of room for improvement, I admit. I know my friends are doing their best to keep me grounded and on the right track. Often, I see the look in their eyes. The look of disappointment. I'm sorry to do that to them, when they're obviously trying hard.
But I try my best. I'm not lying when I say this. (though I lie constantly, don't I?) I'll make my mistakes, but efforts are being made to change and grow. Slowly, but surely, I'm becoming a better person. It's thanks to the support and guidance I receive from friends and family. Stick with me, and I promise, one day, I'll show you a person you can be proud of. My goal is to become satisfied with myself and my life.
Thank you guys for being here with me. This is truly a collaborative process.
Also, because my journal is never complete without tangents: Isn't it weird to find coincidences? When you have an instant affinity with someone (or is it amnity?), you can often find similarities in your lives you never thought possible. Shared experiences are one key way to be connected with your friends. It also continually confirms what innumerable qualities bind us together. "I know how you feel." That phrase never fails to cheer me up. Only when spoken with honesty, of course. I still recall our short, but good friendship Leonard. I hope you watch over me in peace.
1:07 AM
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