The daily adventures and travails of one neurotic, klutzy, hungry, cynical college girl. Tune in for prizes! (offer void where prohibited. See office for details. Not responsible for lost articles.)
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Saturday, December 07, 2002
Back from Howard's funeral. Lots of feelings that I couldn't try to describe. But you know I'm gonna try. First, I fear my own thoughts. Sitting at the chapel and listening to the words spoken was eye-opening. I was ashamed and frightened to think about the person I am now. I think my priorities were in the wrong place, and I'm not always the kind of person I want to be. It made me wonder about my own funeral. Who's going to be there? What will they say? What will they think? I thank my friends for keeping me on track and being my friends even though I can be difficult. Linda and Mat, I know you were scared to be in that car with me today. But you guys constantly support, comfort, and sustain me. Following me tonight to IG was just the cherry on top. Contrary to what someone said, people DO care about me.
My worst paranoia involves what people think about me. When I was younger, I was paralyzed by the thought of being ridiculed, pitied, or hated.(It's strange to read that on someone's online, public journal, isn't it? After all, this is the prime way to ridicule, pity, or hate someone: to read their inner thoughts.) I chose to block my real emotions and hide the real me, so that I couldn't be hurt. Of course, I've changed, as everyone who knows me can attest. But it's still hard to really know how I feel. I've been told honestly that I can seem colder and harsher than I mean to be. I've also become hardened. I was tired of bending over backwards to please everyone. I'm more selective about my love to people.
People can disappoint. For every friend that comes through in a bind, there is a "friend" that stabs you in the heart and makes you feel responsible. There are several "friends" of whom I speak, but only one I want to speak about right now. Carlo, you are a dick. I say that without passion, because at this point, I don't feel the need to get excited over you anymore. I thought that you were, at heart, a good person, who fell into bad circumstances. But now I see that you've changed into someone I don't care to know. You really hurt your best friend tonight and you're damn lucky that no one who witnessed Courtney's pain is near enough you to hurt you the same amount. I hope she learns from this to leave you for good. There were times when I wondered if I were biased in my opinion of you, because of the past, but no. This was wrong and if I could tell you this, I would. But you hide from the people who care about you. I know what that bullshit is. I've done it. I mastered the "avoiding love since it opens you to vulnerability" bit. Fucking grow up.
I'm tired and I definitely feel a flu coming on. I'm just going to bed and tomorrow morning, I'll share the actual good times I had. It was a busy day. At least three blogs worth. ("Sorry" for those who try to read these. I'm a long winded speaker and writer. At least this way, you can skim and skip ahead. Imagine if I were running your ear off! A ha! I see you cringing now!)
10:17 PM
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